I am ridiculous.
Worse, I am ungrateful.
Thanks to God’s grace in the timing of purchasing our house last year, and thanks to the federal government’s first-time homebuyer tax credit, we will receive a nice tax return this year.
We made a plan for the money, and then revamped the plan, and then revamped it again.
After we buy materials for a new fence and a new engine for the truck, and put some away in savings, and set some aside for an anniversary trip, I can make a nice, hefty credit card payment.
As it stands now, I can pay off one credit card and still have money left for a much-larger-than-normal payment on another.
That’s terrific, right? One credit card GONE! One step closer to paying off our debt!
All I can think is, “That other credit card balance is way too high. It’ll take too long to pay it off.”
No giving thanks. No praises to the Lord for helping us take this one more step on our journey to being debt-free. Just, “Why couldn’t it be more, Lord?”
Oh, ungrateful child.
I hate that my mind does this. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing ever satisfies me. I could always be better somehow, less of a failure. If only.
If only what? If only God gave me everything I know I need? Because being debt-free is a good thing, a worthy goal, He should give me all the money I need to reach that goal?
Alternatively, I can blame my husband and myself. If only we were less foolish. If only we budgeted more, or better, or did exactly what those people over there are doing, we’d reach our goal sooner. If only he shared my laser focus on getting out of debt. What’s wrong with him, anyway?
Not only am I then ungrateful, but I am bitter and unhappy and creating an unhappy atmosphere in my home.
And I am missing the point.
We are sinners. We will mess up. But God is good, and gives grace. And I should therefore extend grace to my husband and to myself.
And I should rejoice and give thanks for this gift that He didn’t need to give us, and pray for His help as we seek to be wise stewards of all He has given.
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits.” – Psalm 103:2
Hey Lisa!
ReplyDeleteI just left you a comment here only to have it wiped clean when I tried to post it! Just like the ol' devil to try and stop God's people from coming together!
I found your blog because of your entry in the contest for the hosting package. I am soooo glad I did!
I just read this post and, MAN!, did it ever resonate within my soul!!! I am so bad about doing this same thing! Thanks to your post, I am going to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to begin convicting me IMMEDIATELY when I start thinking this way so that I can CHOOSE to change my thinking :)
Thank you so much for sharing your heart!
(Oh - and if you feel 'eyes' on you, I'm following you here now, too) LOL
Wow! I'm so glad I decided to add my blog address to that entry. I almost didn't. Thank you for the kind comment. I'm working on posting more things, more often - still working out the kinks there, of getting into a rhythm.
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