My Great Aunt Joan was a prolific writer. She chronicled her life in detail. Her son and daughter-in-law have at least two boxes full of her notebooks, in addition to her scrapbooks and photos. It’s really quite an incredible gift. I have this idea floating about my head that her story must be told.
Joan lived passionately. Her life was often messy, but she lived. That is more than I can say for myself, most days. In 2010 alone, I have lived in a perpetual state of feeling overwhelmed. It’s always something: the house, the sewer, the water, death in the family, the struggles of good friends, being threatened with making minimum wage, the intense discussions of starting a ministry and starting a family. There is always a reason for me to feel overwhelmed.
Joan certainly had her reasons to feel overwhelmed, and I am sure she had her moments. But at the end of her life, she focused on telling her story through words and photos, and you know what shone through? The joy. The adventure. She savored all of it, the wonder and the pain. It was all part of her. She told her story boldly. I wish she had had the time to finish her tale before she left us.
I keep meaning to do things, but I don’t do them because I allow myself to get bogged down in the daily drudgery. I allow my spirit to sink under the weight of circumstances, and I barely exist. Is this the life I want? Is this the life God wants for me? It’s barely a life at all! Joan had her share of pain and hardship, and still she lived.
My recurring theme for this year seems to be freedom. I was created to be free, to live a life full of joy and passion. And instead, my existence is pretty lackluster. I suffer from the delusion that I will get around to the photos and the writing and the living when the house is clean and the yards are tended and the debt is paid off and…well, there is always an excuse to avoid living.
I don’t want to avoid living. I want to be that old lady who leaves behind surprises and inspiration for her surviving family and friends. I want to make a mark on the world. I want to start something and actually finish it. I want to live with joy and passion, even when life is tough. I want to dig in and truly live. The tricky part is that this is a daily choice, a perpetual reorientation. It’s not a once-and-done declaration.
I was created for a full and abundant life. I was made for this. Now I just need to trust that and live (and figure out how the heck to do that)!
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